Sitting outside yesterday, I somehow managed to get sunscreen on only one part of my jawline, which with my tan now gives me a sort of mottled, pinto pony look. Probably no one will actually notice, but I do and I worry about how it looks to everyone else.

Because you know, that's a major fault of mine...I care too much what other people think.

And it's a hard fault to overcome, because the root of it is basic politeness. The best way to make other folks feel comfortable is to figure out what they want and somehow provide it. The only way to know what they want is to care about what they're thinking and how they're feeling. It gives me great empathy, but hamstrings me on making changes because there I go wondering, if I do such and such, what will everyone think?

Folks who meet me generally comment at some point on how charming I am. And I am! :) I'm very charming because I want everyone to like me. But sometimes, with some folks, that part of my personality disappears and I suspect I take it out on these poor people that I can't be mean to everyone, so I'm only mean to them.

Take poor Steve, who isn't a bad guy except that he reminds me of Rob. Rob's too far away for me to take things out on anymore ;) When Steve says something that's exactly what Rob would say, it gets my goat and I snap at him -- which isn't particularly good since we're now sharing an office and thus spend the greater part of the day together. I was really sorry about smacking him (Steve) in the eye with my stuffed owl, but dangit...he so deserved something. Or did he?

So now all of you know my dark side. I'm apparently still bitter enough about things to take it out on someone who, while not completely innocent, is not the true target of my irritation.

Except that Matt says I'm not even really mad at Rob. He proposed that I'm really mad at my father, who disappeared from my life when I was still a little cherub. I can't take my anger and disappointment out on him since he's dead, so I've neatly transferred all my unmet expectations and resulting irritation on the men in my life.

Hopefully, this public confession of my biggest character fault will somehow allow me to overcome worrying all the time about what people think, because now all of you know something about me that I've just realized but that all y'all probably have known all along -- and have been too polite to tell me.

I'm really a bitch.