Spent parts of my weekend playing Sims2. At least in that world, I can control (somewhat) who lives and who dies. Went into work for a bit on Saturday, only to find someone else had changed a file someplace that borked one of my quests...and of course, no one else there who'd know why or whether I could fix the other file so that my stuff would work again. I hate being so dependent upon others.

So if they said we had to evacuate our area for whatever reason, would I? I don't know. I remember when our unit was in Japan for an exercise and things were going wrong in all sorts of different ways. Tempers were short. I had a particular task and I knew how to get it done, so I continued to work at it because it was about the only thing that actually was going right that day. Someone yelled at me to go do some other thing that someone else had screwed up and I responded that I had to keep on my task because I knew what I was doing "even if nobody else does."

I suppose it sounded like I was commenting on everything that was going wrong, but I was only thinking at the time that I truly was the only person who knew what my particular task was; nobody else knew what it entailed. My comment was taken the other way, of course, which led to more yelling directed at me. Somehow inside me, that whole incident transmuted itself into a really fierce independence, which is another way of saying a need to be in control. I hated being bossed around. I liked when there were things that I turned out to be the only person who could take care of them. I want to fix the world and make it stronger, safer, better.

And at night, I want to curl up against someone and just forget everything. I'd even pay for air conditioning so that curling could be done in comfort. I miss having someone to hug me and tell me everything will be all right...but then, I'm not sure I've ever had anyone like that.

So maybe I wouldn't evacuate. Or maybe I would.

Spent parts of my weekend playing Sims2. At least in that world, I can control (somewhat) who lives and who dies. Went into work for a bit on Saturday, only to find someone else had changed a file someplace that borked one of my quests...and of course, no one else there who'd know why or whether I could fix the other file so that my stuff would work again. I hate being so dependent upon others.

So if they said we had to evacuate our area for whatever reason, would I? I don't know. I remember when our unit was in Japan for an exercise and things were going wrong in all sorts of different ways. Tempers were short. I had a particular task and I knew how to get it done, so I continued to work at it because it was about the only thing that actually was going right that day. Someone yelled at me to go do some other thing that someone else had screwed up and I responded that I had to keep on my task because I knew what I was doing "even if nobody else does."

I suppose it sounded like I was commenting on everything that was going wrong, but I was only thinking at the time that I truly was the only person who knew what my particular task was; nobody else knew what it entailed. My comment was taken the other way, of course, which led to more yelling directed at me. Somehow inside me, that whole incident transmuted itself into a really fierce independence, which is another way of saying a need to be in control. I hated being bossed around. I liked when there were things that I turned out to be the only person who could take care of them. I want to fix the world and make it stronger, safer, better.

And at night, I want to curl up against someone and just forget everything. I'd even pay for air conditioning so that curling could be done in comfort. I miss having someone to hug me and tell me everything will be all right...but then, I'm not sure I've ever had anyone like that.

So maybe I wouldn't evacuate. Or maybe I would.