Convention this week. I leave Wednesday afternoon. Since I'd otherwise miss my Friday geology lab, I'm going to school Wednesday to get some of it done but must be home by 10:30AM as the airport shuttle arrives around 11AM to pick me up. Tomorrow I pack. This weekend I finished up my presentation (which I hope I get to use PowerPoint for) although I will likely fiddle with it some more. I like fiddling.
This will be an interesting time. Rob won't be coming with me and I'll be sharing a room with some of my GMs. One of them asked whether she could let a friend of hers stay with us, a player, and my first reaction was to recoil. The unfortunate impact of the back-stabbing incident this Spring has made me afraid of players. Which, of course, is nonsense; those weren't players on the attack (although there were some who were involved, they didn't start the knives in motion). I'm afraid now where I didn't used to be and that pisses me off.
I've always been excited about doing seminars and trying to impart some of my passion and love for the little game to the players who attend. Like most public speakers, I get an adrenaline rush that isn't fear of speaking so much as fear that I won't achieve my objectives. Lately I find myself concerned that in the middle of one of my seminars, someone is going to launch into an attack and I'll be powerless to stop them. I know some of the people who were present at the on-line bashing sessions will be present and that increases my anxiety. I am not a debater, I am not good at fighting (although I do tend to come up with some zingers later on after the moment is past) and I am pretty bitter and resentful that I feel this way now. Am I going to jump every time someone asks a question? Will I be able to look some of these people in the eye, knowing what they said about me behind my back and wondering if they know that I know what they really think about me?
Rob says I worry too much about what other people think and it's true. I'm a worrier. I worry that perhaps something has started that I cannot control or stop or avoid because I don't know where it will come from next. And that makes me angry, that someone I trusted could have taken my trust and turned it into so deep a disappointment and grieving that all my joy and passion is subverted into something else. I can't let that be the way I feel; to be angry and fearful would mean that they've won after all. I wouldn't want to give them the satisfaction.
This will be an interesting time. Rob won't be coming with me and I'll be sharing a room with some of my GMs. One of them asked whether she could let a friend of hers stay with us, a player, and my first reaction was to recoil. The unfortunate impact of the back-stabbing incident this Spring has made me afraid of players. Which, of course, is nonsense; those weren't players on the attack (although there were some who were involved, they didn't start the knives in motion). I'm afraid now where I didn't used to be and that pisses me off.
I've always been excited about doing seminars and trying to impart some of my passion and love for the little game to the players who attend. Like most public speakers, I get an adrenaline rush that isn't fear of speaking so much as fear that I won't achieve my objectives. Lately I find myself concerned that in the middle of one of my seminars, someone is going to launch into an attack and I'll be powerless to stop them. I know some of the people who were present at the on-line bashing sessions will be present and that increases my anxiety. I am not a debater, I am not good at fighting (although I do tend to come up with some zingers later on after the moment is past) and I am pretty bitter and resentful that I feel this way now. Am I going to jump every time someone asks a question? Will I be able to look some of these people in the eye, knowing what they said about me behind my back and wondering if they know that I know what they really think about me?
Rob says I worry too much about what other people think and it's true. I'm a worrier. I worry that perhaps something has started that I cannot control or stop or avoid because I don't know where it will come from next. And that makes me angry, that someone I trusted could have taken my trust and turned it into so deep a disappointment and grieving that all my joy and passion is subverted into something else. I can't let that be the way I feel; to be angry and fearful would mean that they've won after all. I wouldn't want to give them the satisfaction.
posted by Owl Chick at 6/02/2003 03:21:00 PM
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