I forgot my cherub. There is nothing worse than forgetting your own son on the day he is having surgery.
Phil needed surgery on Tuesday and his stepmom Laura told me she'd call me when it was over. I asked him if he wanted me to take the day off to spend with him and he said no, so I didn't. I thought about him on and off through the day, but when I came home it was back to the usual work in the little game for me and I forgot that no one had called me. I didn't remember that no one called until last night at about 10PM when Rob and I were getting ready for bed.
My life is so far removed from the boys. How could I not think to call him myself Tuesday night and leave it to "the other woman" to let me know he was okay?
So I called him just now, Laura chatted away with me like she hadn't forgotten to call as she'd promised me this past Sunday. Phil was monosyllabic on the phone, and in the background I could hear Chris and Laura having a conversation which was making it hard for Phil to hear me since I'd called Laura's cell phone which of course picks up all the sounds but the person trying to talk. I said good bye.
And now I'm sad and sorry that I ever once thought that boys belong with their father. My boys have seen so little of their father (the fact that he's in Kuwait notwithstanding) since Laura moved in, I could be their stepmother for all the interaction I have with them. I don't know how to put myself into their daily lives, or if they'd want it or appreciate it or care. I know they love me, but I don't know that they know how painful it is for me sometimes to see them growing up under someone else's guidance. Maybe Chris would be doing better in school if he lived with me. Maybe Phil wouldn't try to cover up anything that goes wrong with a lie if I were there every day to force the truth from him. How different their lives would be if they were with me. And the sad thing is, at this point, neither of them wants to be. They are tired of moving from school to school. They are comfortable with the pattern of their existence. And meanwhile, I guess I need to be content with the little bits and pieces of their lives that I fit into.
Phil needed surgery on Tuesday and his stepmom Laura told me she'd call me when it was over. I asked him if he wanted me to take the day off to spend with him and he said no, so I didn't. I thought about him on and off through the day, but when I came home it was back to the usual work in the little game for me and I forgot that no one had called me. I didn't remember that no one called until last night at about 10PM when Rob and I were getting ready for bed.
My life is so far removed from the boys. How could I not think to call him myself Tuesday night and leave it to "the other woman" to let me know he was okay?
So I called him just now, Laura chatted away with me like she hadn't forgotten to call as she'd promised me this past Sunday. Phil was monosyllabic on the phone, and in the background I could hear Chris and Laura having a conversation which was making it hard for Phil to hear me since I'd called Laura's cell phone which of course picks up all the sounds but the person trying to talk. I said good bye.
And now I'm sad and sorry that I ever once thought that boys belong with their father. My boys have seen so little of their father (the fact that he's in Kuwait notwithstanding) since Laura moved in, I could be their stepmother for all the interaction I have with them. I don't know how to put myself into their daily lives, or if they'd want it or appreciate it or care. I know they love me, but I don't know that they know how painful it is for me sometimes to see them growing up under someone else's guidance. Maybe Chris would be doing better in school if he lived with me. Maybe Phil wouldn't try to cover up anything that goes wrong with a lie if I were there every day to force the truth from him. How different their lives would be if they were with me. And the sad thing is, at this point, neither of them wants to be. They are tired of moving from school to school. They are comfortable with the pattern of their existence. And meanwhile, I guess I need to be content with the little bits and pieces of their lives that I fit into.
posted by Owl Chick at 3/28/2002 05:59:00 PM
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